If you were to get an STD, which would it be and why?
I’ve committed a lot of my precious time (approx. 4 minutes a month) to answering SERIOUS questions about sex and relationships. Then I get this abomination. Is this your twisted version of the classic favourite meal/album on a desert island question? If so, STDs aren’t in the spirit of those how-bored-are you questions. (For the record, I’m a shrimp cocktail/The Beatles Revolver kind of guy.)
I do everything in my powerlessness to prevent people from getting STDs, and you have the nerve to ask me which STD I would “prefer” and “why?” The honest answer is none. I’m an enemy of STDs but I can’t say I’d be overly upset if you got a genital wart the size of a golf ball on that sorry excuse for a penis that I’m sure you have. That felt good.
In any event, I’m a pro, and will suspend my disgust to answer your idiotic question by trying to see the possible upsides of various STDs in order to choose the one I‘d “prefer”. (Please note that I believe in wholeheartedly safe sex and avoiding STDs, but I have a column in print and a sacred obligation to answer this dip-shit’s question.
Chlamydia: If you’re into discharge, chlamydia is fun. A single dose of antibiotics and it’s cured. Easy-peasy.
Gonorrhea: You can get it with chlamydia, which is a good bang for your STD buck. Also treatable, but very hard to spell.
Genital Herpes: The incurable gift that keeps on giving. Most of us have it and don’t even know it. How awesome is that? You can have no symptoms and pass it along too - Christmas, birthday, etc … or whatever occasion makes sense for you.
Genital Warts: These babies are located in or around the anus and genital area and are not considered dangerous. I call that a win-win-win.
Syphilis: One of the oldest infections known to humans. If you’re old-school, this one’s definitely for you. Plus, Al Capone had it. How cool is that?
Hepatitis B: You really don’t want this, but you can very sound hip by shortening it to Hep B.
HIV - Human Immunodeficiency Virus: Admittedly, it’s hard to get excited about this one when you consider the possibility of dying thing and all. Maybe, I suppose, if drug cocktails appeal to you?
So, I’m thinking I’m a chlamydia man. I like the single antibiotic dose aspect, and I can deal with a little discharge.
There you go. I answered. Now, whoever you are, please don’t ask me another question EVER AGAIN!
Spenny, as your celebrity status wavers up and down, do you find that the quality of your sexual encounters wavers with it? Or, are you always batting 100%?
My celebrity status doesn’t waiver. It also has zero effect on my sex life. It may have given me more opportunities, but that’s all.
However, the quality of my sexual encounters do in fact waiver for many other reasons. For example, at the moment, I’m in a committed long term relationship. Need I say more?
That notwithstanding, my past sexual encounters are affected by things like, alcohol consumption, stress, my ability to imagine Adrienne Barbeau in a see-through negligee, the Toronto Maple Leafs schedule (used to be their record, but going years without sex wasn’t feasible), attractiveness to my partner and vice versa, not laughing during role-plays, my ability to convince myself that what I’m doing is both wrong and dirty, delusional feelings of confidence and convenience.
I hope this answers your question. Perhaps asking an actual celebrity with a roller coaster career will give you a more satisfactory answer. Perhaps Mike Duffy?
The latest girl that I have been seeing is wonderful in every way but one. We have great conversations, we enjoy similar activities, and we even hate a lot of the same stuff. The only problem is that she is terrible at kissing. We haven’t had sex yet, but should I worry that her performance in that aspect will be just as poor? Can better kissing be taught with time, or are we simply not compatible sexually?
No. There is no correlation between poor kissing and poor sex.
What troubles me is that you haven’t even had sex with this “terrible kisser”. Why? Have you considered that her crappy kissing could be compensating for things like excellent oral skills in other regions, vaginal muscle control, mind-blowing hand dexterity, experimental tendencies, and a number of other deviant sexual skills? Don’t be stupid. Find out. Her bad kissing could end up being irrelevant.
I’m a great non-believer in talent. I think most people use the myth of talent as an excuse for their own laziness. Kissing is important, but it isn’t exactly splitting an atom. Bad breath can be fixed. Tongues can learn to probe. Lips can be softened … unless she has chicken lips.
The point is that if kissing is important to you, why don’t you discuss it with her, not me.
BTW, maybe you’re the bad kisser. Kissing is a team sport. I suggest kissing an objective person to get an assessment. If it’s determined you’re a fair to good kisser, you have to tell her that her kissing sucks. Then, together, work on it like you’d work on any other skill. Practice. If she won’t do that, then you have a problem.
As far as good kissing being a litmus test for sexual compatibility. Maybe. Kissing has been described as a reflection of love. Again, maybe. But, why guess based on vague, unprovable notions that most likely come from annoying poets. Get in there with your lips and tongue and see what can be done. You need boots on the ground here. If there’s no will to kiss better, move on. At least you tried. No regrets.
It’s great that you two “hate a lot of the same stuff”. The couple that hates together generally stays together. Look at Hitler and Eva Braun. BTW, I hear he was a bad kisser.