Spenny, you’re a progressive guy, it seems. I need your thoughts on this: I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years now, and we often talk about our future. We’ve even chatted about marriage, yet nothing has progressed. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum for a proposal, but something’s gotta give. How do I approach it? Could I even do the proposing?
If by “progressive” you mean I’m not an idiot, you might want to ask 97% of the douche-nozzles on my social media. They may not know what “progressive” means, but they sure as heck think I’m an idiot. Sure, then I’m progressive. Whatever comforts you.
The truth is, marriage is Hell. It’s filled with pain, suffering, pleasure-numbing sexual familiarity, lawsuits, disappointment, lies, emotional manipulation and sometimes violence…and that’s on a good day. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and who knows how many, for different reasons, remain married, living in abject misery.
Our “culture” tries to make people think that marriage is another step on the road to maturity, then finally, dust. It’s sold as a romantic journey symbolized by expensive jewellery and yearly celebrations. It’s unfortunate because the idea of not getting married, or getting married for that matter, should be based on the individual traits of the people involved, and should not be taken for granted as a matter of course, or be the subject of anyone else’s judgements. We’re not talking about picking a restaurant here.
So, you’ve “chatted” about marriage, and the BF isn’t stepping up to the plate. Where have I heard this before? Oh, I remember…from almost every couple that has ever attempted to legalize their relationship.
Do me a solid, and don’t propose to him. Nothing to do with traditionalism. I just would hate to see you humiliated, or lied to. And, if he says yes, you’ll never know if you truly broke his spirit, which I think is important to know you can do BEFORE you decide to ruin your lives. A woman’s ability to break a man might be the most important dynamic in a ‘successful’ marriage.
I suggest giving him an ultimatum, BUT please listen to his reasons for not wanting to get married, if that in fact is his position, and he’s not just delaying the inevitable slow death of everything intuitive, fun and youthful. When you think about it, can you blame him?
Hopefully, he’s in touch with his feelings, and has deeply thought about the subject, which he can express to you in a cogent, rational way. But, if he can’t, why are you thinking of spending the next week with this dullard, never mind the rest of your life.
Just marry a divorce lawyer and be financially secure, and maybe, ironically happy.
In your opinion, what are the common stages that a couple will go through as they progress in a relationship? I’d love to hear your take on the hills and valleys that will hit the typical pair as they move from courting, to dating, to marriage, to... ??
Seriously? I hope you’re under 12 years old and orphaned. If not, go to a restaurant that has an early bird special and look at the elderly couples. If you still are having trouble figuring out the destination of couples, perhaps you should…never mind.
It’s very simple. You start with meeting someone new, which is filled with adrenaline, excitement and hot sex. Then, usually, some sort of commitment is made, building towards marriage. By that time, you’ve become increasingly kinky to keep sex interesting, or your sex life has disappeared. From there, the once exciting relationship, becomes mired in kids, money stress and day-to-day survival.
Author’s Note: I’d like to say that I realize some might think this particular column has been overly cynical about committed relationships. Though I understand, I don’t feel that’s a fair assessment. The truth is, I think committed relationships, legal or otherwise, are much worse than I would ever express in this advice column.
Here’s a doozy for you. What are the social obligations that are required when running into a one night stand at the grocery store or a coffee shop environment?
Did he/she give you herpes? Were you a total jerk to he/her post orgasm? Is he/she someone you’d want no one to know you boned? Were you alone when you saw he/she? Were you cheating? Are you with the gal/guy you cheated on? Or maybe you’re with a a buddy, who will tease you for the rest of your life because the one night stand person is so gross?
My point here is there are many kinds of one night stands. Good ones, horrendous ones, and ones in-between.
If I was alone, and unattached, and I saw a one night stand who porked me good, my “social obligation” would be to get some more of that pork.
Your question isn’t a “doozey”, it’s a dozy. Life is complex. Give me something specific to work with.
Author’s plug: I will be playing music at Shenaniganz semi-regularly starting May 6th. I play blues, country and classic rock and will not be giving sex advice. Call Shenaniganz for dates and details.
Need more answers? Send Spenny your dire questions about love, relationships, and life: email@example.com