It’s the most wonderful time of the year, but now more than ever, we have to be vigilant. Our traditions are under attack, and without your help, Christmas will be co-opted by PC-crazed monsters with no bearing on what the holiday really stands for. Before long, Starbucks will be slapping Pagan goddesses on their holiday cups, real Christmas trees will be banned as fire hazards, and the left-wing media will vilify Santa as a morbidly obese predator who watches children while they sleep. The time to act is now, and with that in mind, here’s a short checklist for you to follow to ensure you have the most unforgettable holiday ever.
Spread Cheer, Constantly.
This is not a season for the faint of heart. At every opportunity, you should feel safe and secure enough to scream ‘Merry Christmas’ at every soul who comes within earshot, because it’s a god-damn free country. If someone has the audacity to mock you by responding with a cheerful ‘Happy Holidays’, you have the constitutional right to correct them loudly and repeatedly.
Grab a handful of like-minded individuals and go caroling with a megaphone – don’t worry, there’s no such thing as ‘too late’ or ‘too loud’ when it comes to announcing the birth of your King. Your neighbours need to know that you’re serious, and that you’re not going anywhere.
Don’t be afraid to blast Christmas music as loudly as possible at all times, making it impossible for anyone to forget what season it is. Sometimes radio stations can really ruin the mood with pesky commercials and public service announcements, but luckily for you, the music industry is in love with this annual cash cow, so you should have no shortage of new material to illegally download and play through whatever device you see fit.
In this increasingly digital age, you’ll also need to schedule enough time to write scathing reviews of businesses that don’t do enough to push the holiday, and to publicly shame anyone who thinks otherwise with a barrage of comments and memes until they eventually bend to your will.
Deck The Halls
It’s absolutely imperative that you drown your house in Christmas lights as early as December 1st. Despite what the news might tell you, global warming totally takes cheat days, and most power companies will actually subsidize your bills as long as you’re using it to show your holiday spirit. Just to be safe, flood social media with images of your blinding beacon of hope and make sure your hashtags capture your intentions.
If your neighbour decides to challenge your dominance by putting up more lights and blow-up decorations than you, never fear – there’s a city council ordinance that allows you to cut their power line and spray-paint enormous penises on the side of their house without fear of repercussion. This season is an age-old power struggle, and if you aren’t the one winning, what sort of image are you projecting?
Prepare Your Family
Every parent’s worst nightmare is the inevitable moment where your children look you in the eyes and demand to know if Santa Claus is really an illusion. Take this as an opportunity to establish trust with them that will follow through their awkward pubescent years and far into adulthood – calmly explain that a terrorist group shot down Santa’s sleigh as it crossed occupied territory last month, and console them with the promise that you will continue to purchase their affection through expensive gifts every year.
Making sure that everyone in your family is in attendance for Christmas Eve Mass is also of tantamount importance. It not only marks your social status among your peers, but it’s also scientifically proven that driving through three kilometers of ice and snow to fall asleep in a stuffy room full of strangers at the height of cold-and-flu season is drastically healthier than allowing your unsupervised brood to sit at home, smoking marijuana cigarettes and watching whatever mass-produced smut passes for late-night holiday specials these days.
Buying The Perfect Gift
Buying the right gift may be the single most important part of the holidays – how else will people know how you really feel about them? It’s easiest to wait until 48 hours before the big day and head to the mall to grab all of the last-minute items retailers have been stockpiling for your arrival – sure, there might be some pesky lines to cut into, but never forget that you’re entitled to the perfect Christmas.
Tipping is also a huge no-no for the season. Service workers actually get enormous bonuses for working overtime and dealing with hysterical customers, and your focus needs to stay squarely on providing for your family during this difficult time. Max out your credit cards, and shame anyone who asks you to make a donation – you already gave money to that bitch in accounting, and you’re not made of money.
When buying gifts for young people – whether they’re your own kids, relatives, or strangers taking advantage of your spontaneous altruistic impulse – it’s important to keep in mind that children are not smart enough to make their own decisions. You’ll need to make sure that you buy gender-appropriate gifts that leave no question in their young, undeveloped minds as to what their role will be in society. For every young boy that combs a Barbie’s hair on Christmas Day, God kills a puppy. You don’t want that on your conscience, do you?
However, if you’re looking for a gender-neutral gift, remember that toy weapons are completely suitable for all ages and genders. We have to raise kids to know how to protect themselves from senseless violence without the aid of logic, words, social structures or the law. Nobody has ever been hurt with a toy weapon. Leave the ideological conversation about promoting violence to those hippies who voted Trudeau in, and pray your child never ends up drinking organic coffee while listening to the Smiths and debating the finer points of social responsibility.
As for everyone else, use your frustration at window-shopping and huge crowds as an excuse to buy them all gift cards. It’s not admitting defeat – it’s simply admitting that you don’t have the time or the energy to pay attention to what others want. Don’t be afraid to skimp, either – if your friends and family have expensive taste, treat the gift card as a down-payment and expect them to pony up the cash to make that dream a reality. People can be so selfish these days.
Food & Drink
Contrary to popular belief, Christmas dinner is not about making people feel welcome – it’s about making sure that the hard-working farmers who provide turkey, cranberries and whatever the fuck is in fruitcake make their money every year. If you’re feeling particularly charitable, leave a plate of celery for any vegans, celiacs or fad-diet fanatics who manage to sneak into your feast. The holidays aren’t about adapting, and you’re a goddamn saint for trying to accommodate everyone.
Also, don’t forget that the holidays are a great excuse to get absolutely shit-faced. Pour as much rum into your egg nog as you desire, and crank back a jug or three of spiked cider as your prepare your meal. Not only will it help to bolster that warm, fuzzy feeling you get from interrogating your family members on their employment, love life and political views, but it will also make it super convenient to apologize the next day for all of the terrible things you said. Shrug it off, take an Advil, and start cleaning up after the judgmental slobs who just left with full bellies and free gifts.
Bonus: Boxing Day
Obviously, someone will buy you something absolutely atrocious. But before you head out into the melee of Boxing Day chaos, grab a mouth guard and a pair of red boxing gloves. Not only will they fit the holiday motif, but they’ll also be great camouflage for the blood you’ll inevitably have caked on from the day’s activities. You’ve worked hard all year, and endured an exhausting two days of hosting – and you deserve those discounts.
Don’t be afraid to get a little physical. Most super-stores operate under NHL rules on days where discounts drop this low, and nobody’s going to question a well-placed hip-check or two as long as you beat the weak and the elderly to big-ticket items. Forty dollars for a flat-screen television? Are you fucking kidding me? Only the strong survive.
Feel free to take these suggestions, or don’t – but don’t come crying to me if your holidays aren’t picture-perfect. Never forget that traditions exist for a reason, and that no good has ever come from changing things to accommodate people for their differences. And if you took all of these suggestions to heart, congratulations: you’re an awful person. Merry fucking Christmas to all of you, and let the madness begin.